CNN Forgives

CNN has discovered that there has been a dissenter among us. Rupert Murdoch, fabricator of the terrorist stunt at CNN earlier today, found a weak journalist among us, damaging CNN's reputation. We forgive this writer, who is anonymous, for his moment of weakness. 


In addition, we do not blame FOX for the attack. We understand that they believed the threats directed at them were real, and do not blame them for the mistakes of their parent company.

CNN Official Response to Alqaeda's Demands

As a majority, we agreed not to comply with terrorist demands.  An unknown dissenter among the six of us still in lock down posted a blog post claiming we plan to comply with terrorist demands.  This is not the case, and we have no intention of complying with the terrorist demands as they were forth. 

In response to Huffington Post, we have reinforced our security and only the six remaining CNN wire staff members remain in lock down have the capability to update the blog, eliminating the possibility for any outside sources of posting in our blog.

-CNN Wire Staff

CNN Is...

CNN is... Integrity. Integrity is doing what you know is right and resigning yourself to the consequences. CNN will not take the easy road, the simple road, the safe road. Instead we will take the high road.

Al Queda uses the tools of war, terror, and violence. CNN will use the equally strong weapons of reason and acceptance to stay strong and defend ourselves against the terrorists.

CNN was founded to bring truth to news. So to lie or compromise ourselves or our morals would be an anathema. Our acceptance of Jews and women as equal to Christian men is integral to us. To divide them out would be to break our organization apart.

CNN says: Not going to Happen, Terrorists

CNN is a little too strong to give in to the whims of extremists. After a station vote, CNN has decided to not comply with the demands of our captives, which included firing Jewish writers and forcing female writers to wear Hijabs.


Journalism does not recognize gender or religion, and CNN has decided to report the news, despite the consequences.


We are sorry our captives have made the decisions they have, but to them we say: Shalom; We're sticking to our guns.

APPEAL FOR HELP

SOMEONE PLEASE SOMEONE HELP US! We're locked down in the CNN Atlanta office. We recieved a bomb threat out of nowhere and now our head of security is DEAD. They're in the building. We're so close to being found.


What do they even want? Help us someone. Swat, police, santa, I don't even care just... please...

Bomb Scare at CNN and Fox News Headquarters

Recently, both CNN and Fox News have been informed of bomb threats at their respective headquarters. Both are in lockdown; the two networks have lost communication with each other.

CNN's head of security was just confirmed killed. CNN is waiting for help and soon will receive the demands of the terrorists. Many reporters have already been taken hostage.

FOX and CNN in State of Panic

Fox and CNN agree on one thing: We are in trouble


Not only has a mysterious package been placed in the building, but our head of security has been killed. In addition, we have reason to believe hostages have been taken and demands will be made.


CNN is currently in a lockdown and most connections to the outside world have been severed.


No one in, no one out. Bombs, murders, kidnappings. The press needs help.

Threats to Media

CNN has just received a bomb threat to FOX news station from North Korea. We have reason to believe the threat is due to reporting of the North Korean bombing of the North Australian coast.


We have not yet received word from FOX, but a source of CNN has given we at CNN reason to believe that CNN is also in danger.