Danielle of Real Housewives potentially sole survivor of Nuclear Holocaust

According to an anonymous tip, Danielle remains the sole survivor of the Real Housewives of Jersey Shore, potentially the world. Apparently, "All but danielle from the new jersey edition

she, like cockroaches, can withstand most manmade disasters

being one herself"

CNN looks forward to an exclusive interview as long as we aren't destroyed ourselves

-Wolf Plitzer

Midnight Attack on the CNN Headquarters

CNN Atlanta Headquarters

While relaxing in my room after a long day of writing articles about world affairs, I was interrupted by a knock to my hotel room door.  I opened it a crack, not expecting visitors so close to the midnight.  A man stood before me, average in height with a pair of modern looking glasses.  He told me to gather my things, a crisis is occurring.  Surprised, shocked, and somewhat delirious due to lack of sleep, I stumbled around my room, gathering what I thought I needed on my campaign for truth:  my notebook, laptop, charger, and cell phone.  I grabbed a coat, some coffee, and headed down to the bus sent to pick up members of the press corps. 

All was silent on arrival, my fellow reporter Larry Queen and I were apprehensive, still in the dark on the situation.  The editor in chief led us to the press room, where we were united with the other members of CNN’s wire staff. 

Due to the unforeseen circumstances of the crisis, only eight of us were in attendance, including our chiefs of staff.  Reporters Scarlet Flowers and Pam Beasley Halpert sat at their computers quietly, waiting for news on the crisis.  Teddy Lupin had other concerns, namely whether the night would bear a full moon.  Little did he know there would be other concerns on the horizon.  Reporter Ron Bergundy preoccupied himself with jazz flute, his age old coping mechanism. 

Massive devastation in Northern Australia

Suddenly, a staff member burst into the room, carrying a laptop with exclusive information on the impending crisis.  All reporters gathered around the device, hoping for the best yet fearing the worst.  The clip loads.  It plays.  Cannons are loaded.  Fire. Death. 

We stood in stunned silence for a few moments.  How could this happen? 

We needed to find out.  Keyboards click and clack as we divide the tasks at hand.  Lupin and Flowers set out to contact any foreign officials who could provide insight on the task at hand.  Queen managed the CNN twitter account, alerting the world to this crisis, while Bergundy and I prepared an article detailing the potential implications of the ballistic missile strike. 

Developments were slow to come in, but we managed to release an article to the CNN blog.  Seconds after the submission, we learn Fox headquarters received a bomb threat.  Concerned for our news rival, we begin to investigate the surroundings of this threat.  Unfortunately, our investigations were cut short, as we received our own threat moments later.  Masked assailants entered CNN Atlanta Headquarters and overwhelmed our security forces, killing several CNN employees including the chief of security. 

Assailants claimed affiliation to Al-Qaeda

Lockdown procedures were implemented immediately.  The terrorists identified themselves as members of Al-Qaeda, and demanded we meet the following demands:

         1.  All CNN wire staff members are replaced with those sympathetic to the Jihadist cause.

         2.  All Jewish members of the CNN wire staff are fired.

         3.  All female members of the CNN wire staff are forced to wear the hijab.

         4.  All Zionist propaganda is removed from the CNN website.

If we did not meet the demands within the hour, the terrorists would detonate the bombs set on the premises.  If we complied, the good name of CNN would be tarnished, potentially destroying our news network.  The terrorists imposed a blackout on our systems, cutting out all communications available to us except one computer with access to our blog.

We were conflicted.  Our lives were at risk, but how could we betray our principles as journalists? 

Larry Queen put forth excellent points on how we could run a retraction the following day, or just stall for more time, but we knew we could not delay the inevitable.  As reporters, we would not betray our morals.  Even if it meant sacrificing our live, we would give anything to show at least someone stands for integrity in a world consumed by chaos, war and violence.

The Pen is Mightier than the Sword.

We took it to a vote.  One wished to follow through with the terrorist demands, and five stood against.  Our decision was made, now all we could do is hope the SWAT team arrived in time to diffuse the bombs.

Then, the unthinkable happened.  Someone in the CNN staff posted an article claiming we decided to comply with the terrorist demands.  With help from Huffington Post, we learned our security system has a major security flaw.  Working fast, we revamped our security, adding firewalls, changing passwords, and doing anything we could to slow down the efforts of a hacker from behind the locked doors of the CNN news room. 

A few retractions, corrections, and deletions later, our websites returned to normal.  Unfortunately, our team was not quite fast enough to find the traitor, and the false news spread like wildfire.  Even the United States government expressed their disappointment, telling us "The U.S. does not negotiate with terrorists."

While the wire staff was in the midst of repairing our image, our CNN chief of staff received information regarding the real culprit behind the dual attacks on CNN and Fox News.  The mole within our headquarters revealed themselves to U.S. officials in exchange for amnesty and anonymity.

According to American Intel, business tycoon Rupert Murdoch was disgruntled by the CNN's defaming articles from the prior day and attempted to destroy CNN's reputation through an elaborate scheme.  By threatening both CNN and Fox News, Murdoch drew attention away from himself, allowing him to launch an assault on CNN Atlanta headquarters while simultaneously compromising an unknown member of our news team.  

Left: Emperor Palpatine  Right: Rupert Murdoch

Not long after, SWAT arrived and managed to diffuse the bomb.  Finally, nearly three hours past midnight, we left the CNN headquarters, quite relieved to be through this tragic experience. 

Thank God we made it through this experience alive.

-Wolf Plitzer

The Death of Kim Jong-il, and What May be to Come

Kim Jong-il, Supreme Leader of North Korea

After years of ill health and speculation, a black hearse pulled up to the North Korean palace to drive Kim Jong-il away for the last time. For as long as Kim Jong-il has been in power he has had two stories to his life.

In one story, a work of fiction, Kim Jong-il was the “supreme leader”, beloved by his people and in return providing them with everything they could ever need. He was deified and was said to have the power to control the weather based on his mood. His birthday was the most important holiday in North Korea and mass celebrations occurred all across the nation.

But this fiction has always been completely transparent. Under Kim Jong-il’s rule, Korean’s have starved to death by the millions and the country has stayed mired in extreme poverty while their southern brethren jumped into the first world.

Kim Jong-il was born in 1941. After graduating college he went directly in politics, rising quickly through the ranks of the ruling Korean Workers’ Party.  Eventually becoming the supreme leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-il became the de facto leader of North Korea, granting control of the fourth largest standing army in the world. 

Over time, North Koreans developed a large personality cult around Kim Jong-il, with his likeness posted in many North Korean homes.  While Kim Jong-il enjoyed his celebrity status, much of North Korea suffered from the martial law enacted during their dictator’s reign. As his wet nurse, Sun-joo Park said, “Kim Jong-il was always very aggressive, mean to everyone… I was not surprised he let the people of North Korea starve.”

His death left North Korea in a state of advanced instability, leading to the attack on Northern Australia by North Korean forces, killing as many as 55,000 according the Australian war ministry.  Kim Jong-un, the oldest son of the deceased dictator, is assumed to take control of North Korea, but political complications may leave the Korean Peninsula under extremely adverse conditions.  According to North Korean’s foreign affairs minister, the launch codes were stolen by a dissatisfied general who feared being ousted by Kim Jong-un. 

Hopefully, Kim Jong-un will take control of his country so future disasters are avoided.

- Ron Bergundy and Wolf Plitzer

CNN Official Response to Alqaeda's Demands

As a majority, we agreed not to comply with terrorist demands.  An unknown dissenter among the six of us still in lock down posted a blog post claiming we plan to comply with terrorist demands.  This is not the case, and we have no intention of complying with the terrorist demands as they were forth. 

In response to Huffington Post, we have reinforced our security and only the six remaining CNN wire staff members remain in lock down have the capability to update the blog, eliminating the possibility for any outside sources of posting in our blog.

-CNN Wire Staff

Ballistic Strike in Northern Australia

Previous attacks on Yeonpyeong bear striking similarities to the current strike on Australia

25 ballistic missiles were launched at long range to the Northern coast of Australia by North Korea.  Not only is this the first act of war committed by North Korea outside the Korean peninsula, but it is also an act of aggression against a Western Nation and former colony.  There is no indication of the attack was nuclear, but information is limited at this time and speculation runs rampant. 

Australia is taking all precautions possible, including the assumption that North Korea may have used nuclear force and the preparation for potential future attacks.  Harvey Henley, assistant to the Australian defense minister, claims the attack was made for political ideals, yet North Korea’s official statement is still awaited.  He says, “We see no reason why missiles targeted Northern Australia.”

The US ambassador to Australia, Richard Masterson, says, “The U.S. plans to send as many aid workers as possible to Australia, and we post for an emergency meeting of the Security Council to discuss the political instability in North Korea.”  The U.S. plans to announce their official course of action shortly.

This attack was at the longest range available to North Korean artillery.  It comes on the heels of attacks on South Korea, which also has strong allies with the western world.  This attack bears many similarities to the recent bombardment of Yeonpyeong Island in South Korean territory.  This prior attack led to the deaths of many innocent South Koreans, yet there was no response made by South Korean government.

When contacted, the Chinese Minister of Foreign affairs, Liu Xiaobao, responded “China is reconsidering their unconditional support of North Korea.”  According to Xiaobao, China had no indication of an attack planned.  When asked about whether China would support North Korea in the event of western military force, Xiaobao responds, “No we cannot.  We deplore the attack and had no part in it.”

Whether this remains merely a flexing of power from the politically turbulent North Korea, or signs of an impending military campaign orchestrated by North Korea remains to be seen.  However, an Australian retaliation is a distinct possibility. 

Executing a ballistic strike without official declaration of war violates U.N. rulings, and how the international community will deal with this offense remains to be seen.  No matter what the response, this tragedy strikes at the heart of all people everywhere.

Exclusive Interview with Sun-joo Park, Kim Jong-il's Wet Nurse

 The following is an interview between CNN Asian correspondent and Sun-joo Park, the wet nurse to Kim Jong-il.  This interview was performed online via gmail chat services.  

Sun-joo Park:  Hello!

Wolf Plitzer:    Hello, CNN reporter Wolf Plitzer

Sun-joo Park, wet nurse of Kim Jong-il for 19 years

Sun-joo Park, wet nurse of Kim Jong-il for 19 years

Sun-joo Park:  Sun-joo Park here

Wolf Plitzer:    Nice to meet you Sun-joo Park, I'd like to ask you a few questions about Kim Jong-il

Sun-joo Park:  Please do, but I may not respond quick, because english not good good.

Wolf Plitzer:    Firstly, I'd like to offer my condolences on the death of Kim Jong-il, I've been made aware    you were very close to him

Sun-joo Park:  hah!  I was...when he was small.

Wolf Plitzer:    Yes, I understand you were his wet nurse, correct?

Sun-joo Park:  yes, correct, until he was 19

Wolf Plitzer:    What were your impressions of him as a child?  Did he have any interesting personality quirks, any passions?

Sun-joo Park:  He was very aggressive, definitely made a mark on me, many marks

Wolf Plitzer:    Really?  Please elaborate.

Sun-joo Park:  [Kim Jong-il] never had friends his own age, the other boys in court, he cling to me, for hours, until his mother realize that I get in way of professional development, then she banish me, to South Korea.  I loved Kim, [he was] mean to everyone but me.

Kim Jong-il at the height of his political career

Wolf Plitzer:    Hmm, so his mother was very concerned on his political career.  You say you loved Kim Jong-il, do you feel this love was reciprocated?  Do you think he felt the same way about you?

Sun-joo Park:  He couldn't give me what I could give him, so when he came of age, this 19, he took the side of his mother, and this gave me pain.

Wolf Plitzer:    Hmm, I see.  This must have been very difficult for you.  How do you feel about how he ran DPRK?

Sun-joo Park:  Once I left, Kim became starved, so it never surprised me that he could starve the North Koreans.  It was like a mirror to his thirsty soul.

Wolf Plitzer:    You say he was starved, but how?  Emotionally, artistically..?

Sun-joo Park:  Emotionally, and with great vitamin d deficit.

Wolf Plitzer:    Ah.  So the lack of a motherly figure in his life led to a lack of compassion for others.  Did you ever try to contact him later in life?

Sun-joo Park:  Sorry about delay

Wolf Plitzer:    No problem.   It must be very difficult to establish a good connection half way around the world.

Sun-joo Park:  very difficult to establish between Koreas, as you seen!  So yes, big wide world too I tried to contact him once, yes

Wolf Plitzer:    Please tell

Sun-joo Park:  when his mother die, I make crossover attempt

I wrap myself in quilt, carrying nothing but a change of underwear and Kim's favorite pacifier I take from him once.  Don't tell him that!

Oh, right...

...too late

Wolf Plitzer:    ... I'm sorry; this whole affair must be very hard on you.  Do you wish to continue?

Sun-joo Park:  No, I do not, the pain pummels me, like Kim's mother used to, when dark and nobody watching

Wolf Plitzer:    You've clearly experienced many hardships.

Sun-joo Park:  none as hard as the death of Kim or as I called him, Kimchee

Wolf Plitzer:    It's clear you cared about him very much.  If you were to sum up Kim Jong-il's life, what would you say about him?

Sun-joo Park:  If he nibbled away at Korean people's lives, he was only nibbling away at me.

Thank you

Wolf Plitzer:    Thank you for your time.  Do I have your permission to use this interview in an article?

The Beatles, Rock Band from 1960's and favorite of Sun-joo Park

Sun-joo Park:  Yes, I want my story told, for the world to feed on.  I always wanted to see Kimchee again, since 1960.  In fact, if not for the Beatles, I would’ve ended it all then. 

Wolf Plitzer:    Once again, this has been Wolf Plitzer with CNN news, signing off.

CNN Public Response to Julian Assange's bail

Wikileaks Founder, Julian Assange, at his court proceeding

The role of a journalist is to seek truth and make it available to the public. Julian Assange dedicates his career to uncovering truth by unearthing corruption. Also, basic democratic principles state that anyone accused of a crime should be given the right to post bail and defend themselves. For these reasons, CNN chose to post Wikileaks founder Julian Assange’s bail and never had any intention of covering up our decision to do so.

Full disclosure of the facts is essential to successful journalism, and we at CNN urge our competitors to follow suit.

Wikileaks works to eliminate transparency in the political and business world. Since transparency is such a quintessential part of journalism ethics , we support Julian Assange's attempts to unearth truth on illicit or corrupt corporate dealings.

Ethical and accurate journalism has, is and always will be the prime focus of CNN. We hope to continue our track record as the worldwide leader in news.


-CNN Wire Staff


 The official response by our board of directors can be seen below.