Danielle of Real Housewives potentially sole survivor of Nuclear Holocaust

According to an anonymous tip, Danielle remains the sole survivor of the Real Housewives of Jersey Shore, potentially the world. Apparently, "All but danielle from the new jersey edition

she, like cockroaches, can withstand most manmade disasters

being one herself"

CNN looks forward to an exclusive interview as long as we aren't destroyed ourselves

-Wolf Plitzer

New York City, San Fransisco, Australia, All of the Real House Wives, the UK, Dubai and Hawaii HAVE BEEN BOMBED

THE WORLD IS FALLING APART. Literally, everywhere. Including North Korea. So it's probably aliens. It's been fun. We love you guys. Go to your families and watch the Yule Ball scene in Harry Potter 4.

Palin is reportedly happy...

The 3 Harry Potter stars are dead, Hagrid tried to save them.

South Korea Will Spend Their Time "Cowering and Praying" in Response to Cozumel Attack

In reaction to North Korean involvement in the recent attack in Cozumel, Mexico, South Korean Defense Spokesman Bruce Lee stated that they are "scared mindless." They believe that there would be no hope for them should North Korea be attacked, or attack South Korea. Lee was extremely distressed and clearly very frightened.

Lee said that South Korea is looking into building a Star Wars-like shield around their state in order to protect against potential attacks. Lee believes these North Korean attacks are inevitable, and the previous bombs were simply "target practice."

In closing, Lee implied that the country was terribly petrified by saying "this feels like Halloween."

CNN is Done Fighting

CNN is done fighting with FOX. Any competition CNN has with FOX will be purely with the quality of our articles and posts, not a puerile back and forth.

CNN has taken everything we have written about FOX in the past, save an article about or mutual fear during the bomb crisis.

We apologize to FOX, but would also like to remind them of their rude and very serious attacks on CNN and their staff. In addition, we would like the remind them that, though the bomb incident was not their fault, Rupert Murdoch not only put the lives of CNN staff in danger, but it was with the intention of discrediting our company.

We apologize to FOX, request that any posts on any of CNN's accounts made by them be taken down, and there will be no repercussions.

In this time of national crisis, the media needs to be united. CNN is taking the first step.

Jacobson Not Optimistic About Cozumel Catastrophe

This morning, US Press Secretary Lance Jacobson IV provided an update on the situation in Mexico. He reported that President Obama was still scuba diving when the incident occurred, and assured the American citizens that President Obama is known for his "lung capacity and Constitutional nuances." Later, hoewever, he sadly declared that "he is more than likely dead."

Jacobson said that the CIA have investigated India, Pakistan, and South Korea, but all three have denied any action.

When asked about the status of international aid to the victims in Cozumel, Jacobson firmly stated that the United States is still "peeved" about the murder of the Mexican border guards and said that he does "not believe that international aid will be coming any time soon."

Sasha Obama was also present at the Jacobson interview. With tearful eyes, her only question was, "Where is my daddy?"

Forty Reported Fatalities in Cozumel Tragedy

  
  The Americas are reeling after the tragedy near Cozumel. While whereabouts of President Barack Obama are unknown, it can be assumed that the bombing of such a beloved vacation spot was not an accident.
  
  Yesterday, the Mexican Minister of Foreign Affairs, Rodolfo Gonzalez, asserted that Mexican intelligence does not have "a clear idea on where the bomb originated from." But assured that "we're in consultation with intelligece agencies from countries in the Pacific Rim."
   
  Mexico, which is known for its friendly foreign relations with most every country, is reporting about forty deaths or injuries.
  
  Lance Jacobson IV, the White House Press Secretary, confirmed that President Obama could not be reached. He stated that "we have no reports that he's been affected, but no reports to the contrary."
  
  Both countries are looking for possible motives for the attack.

Op-ed: FOX Pulls at Straw

Recently, Fox has published allegations that CNN hacked a youtube account to win a commercial contest. We at CNN are mature enough to admit that we are not computer-savvy enough to do such a thing.

We at CNN attribute our win to a hysterical commercial and a loyal readership. We attribute FOX's lost to a truly creepy and downright unappealing ad, that probably just turned the few loyal readers they had off.

We would also like to remind our readers, that just last night, it was confirmed that FOX hacked CNN's twitter account, making FOX horrible horrible hypocrites.

We would like to give our condolences to FOX that they don't have good enough senses of humor to win commercial contests, but I'm sure Rupert Murdoch gives you his blessing.

Sorry, is he in prison yet?

Attack on the president?

BREAKING NEWS:  Multiple sources report a dirty bomb was detonated over the coast of Mexico.  Although there are no reports of a mushroom cloud over the blast area, it has been confirmed that the bomb is of military grade.  Potentially 30 deaths confirmed so far, but information is unclear at this moment.  Unconfirmed rumors link this attack to the recent attack on Australia made by North Korea, considering the bomb was launched from land from the vicinity of the Korean Peninsula.  There is currently no contact with President Obama.  More information as it comes.

-CNN wire staff

Midnight Attack on the CNN Headquarters

CNN Atlanta Headquarters

While relaxing in my room after a long day of writing articles about world affairs, I was interrupted by a knock to my hotel room door.  I opened it a crack, not expecting visitors so close to the midnight.  A man stood before me, average in height with a pair of modern looking glasses.  He told me to gather my things, a crisis is occurring.  Surprised, shocked, and somewhat delirious due to lack of sleep, I stumbled around my room, gathering what I thought I needed on my campaign for truth:  my notebook, laptop, charger, and cell phone.  I grabbed a coat, some coffee, and headed down to the bus sent to pick up members of the press corps. 

All was silent on arrival, my fellow reporter Larry Queen and I were apprehensive, still in the dark on the situation.  The editor in chief led us to the press room, where we were united with the other members of CNN’s wire staff. 

Due to the unforeseen circumstances of the crisis, only eight of us were in attendance, including our chiefs of staff.  Reporters Scarlet Flowers and Pam Beasley Halpert sat at their computers quietly, waiting for news on the crisis.  Teddy Lupin had other concerns, namely whether the night would bear a full moon.  Little did he know there would be other concerns on the horizon.  Reporter Ron Bergundy preoccupied himself with jazz flute, his age old coping mechanism. 

Massive devastation in Northern Australia

Suddenly, a staff member burst into the room, carrying a laptop with exclusive information on the impending crisis.  All reporters gathered around the device, hoping for the best yet fearing the worst.  The clip loads.  It plays.  Cannons are loaded.  Fire. Death. 

We stood in stunned silence for a few moments.  How could this happen? 

We needed to find out.  Keyboards click and clack as we divide the tasks at hand.  Lupin and Flowers set out to contact any foreign officials who could provide insight on the task at hand.  Queen managed the CNN twitter account, alerting the world to this crisis, while Bergundy and I prepared an article detailing the potential implications of the ballistic missile strike. 

Developments were slow to come in, but we managed to release an article to the CNN blog.  Seconds after the submission, we learn Fox headquarters received a bomb threat.  Concerned for our news rival, we begin to investigate the surroundings of this threat.  Unfortunately, our investigations were cut short, as we received our own threat moments later.  Masked assailants entered CNN Atlanta Headquarters and overwhelmed our security forces, killing several CNN employees including the chief of security. 

Assailants claimed affiliation to Al-Qaeda

Lockdown procedures were implemented immediately.  The terrorists identified themselves as members of Al-Qaeda, and demanded we meet the following demands:

         1.  All CNN wire staff members are replaced with those sympathetic to the Jihadist cause.

         2.  All Jewish members of the CNN wire staff are fired.

         3.  All female members of the CNN wire staff are forced to wear the hijab.

         4.  All Zionist propaganda is removed from the CNN website.

If we did not meet the demands within the hour, the terrorists would detonate the bombs set on the premises.  If we complied, the good name of CNN would be tarnished, potentially destroying our news network.  The terrorists imposed a blackout on our systems, cutting out all communications available to us except one computer with access to our blog.

We were conflicted.  Our lives were at risk, but how could we betray our principles as journalists? 

Larry Queen put forth excellent points on how we could run a retraction the following day, or just stall for more time, but we knew we could not delay the inevitable.  As reporters, we would not betray our morals.  Even if it meant sacrificing our live, we would give anything to show at least someone stands for integrity in a world consumed by chaos, war and violence.

The Pen is Mightier than the Sword.

We took it to a vote.  One wished to follow through with the terrorist demands, and five stood against.  Our decision was made, now all we could do is hope the SWAT team arrived in time to diffuse the bombs.

Then, the unthinkable happened.  Someone in the CNN staff posted an article claiming we decided to comply with the terrorist demands.  With help from Huffington Post, we learned our security system has a major security flaw.  Working fast, we revamped our security, adding firewalls, changing passwords, and doing anything we could to slow down the efforts of a hacker from behind the locked doors of the CNN news room. 

A few retractions, corrections, and deletions later, our websites returned to normal.  Unfortunately, our team was not quite fast enough to find the traitor, and the false news spread like wildfire.  Even the United States government expressed their disappointment, telling us "The U.S. does not negotiate with terrorists."

While the wire staff was in the midst of repairing our image, our CNN chief of staff received information regarding the real culprit behind the dual attacks on CNN and Fox News.  The mole within our headquarters revealed themselves to U.S. officials in exchange for amnesty and anonymity.

According to American Intel, business tycoon Rupert Murdoch was disgruntled by the CNN's defaming articles from the prior day and attempted to destroy CNN's reputation through an elaborate scheme.  By threatening both CNN and Fox News, Murdoch drew attention away from himself, allowing him to launch an assault on CNN Atlanta headquarters while simultaneously compromising an unknown member of our news team.  

Left: Emperor Palpatine  Right: Rupert Murdoch

Not long after, SWAT arrived and managed to diffuse the bomb.  Finally, nearly three hours past midnight, we left the CNN headquarters, quite relieved to be through this tragic experience. 

Thank God we made it through this experience alive.

-Wolf Plitzer

Bomb Dropped Near Cozumel

A bomb was just dropped of the coast of Cozumel, where President Obama was on vacation.


The bomb was dropped by an unknown force and Obama's condition is also unknown.

'Stranded' Indonesian Migrant Workers

Distressed Indonesian Immigrant work in Dubai

With the recent Dubai real estate crisis, Indonesian immigrant workers have been left stranded in the Middle East. The failing development projects in Dubai have resulted in the unemployment of immigrant workers who are now without a job, money or a place to go.

Wening Pertiwi, an ex-wrestler, immigrated to Dubai in pursuit of employment in the construction industry. She became a prized construction worker and as a result, her family was provided shelter and water until the development projects fell through.

Pertiwi, a distressed Indonesian immigrant in Dubai, says, “I don’t know what to do with my life or how to provide for my 6 children.”

European financiers funding the project are “dismayed” by the acts of Dubai. According to Mr. Wolfgang Bruegemann, a venture capitalist based in Hamburg, financiers attempted to “stem the flow of investments to Dubai”.

Bruegemann says, “We’re just trying to protect these defenseless migrant workers”

Though the unemployment situation of Indonesian workers continues to pose problems in Dubai, Germany taking steps to resolve this issue. With their “capacity and budget to deal with the refugees”, Germany appears to be prepared to take in an influx of workers.

In a recent press conference, President Obama’s Press Secretary Lance Jacobson IV states “sending the excess of workers to Germany is a good start.” He continues to say, “Dubai has not given proper services to help workers rebound” and that Obama would be in full support of aiding workers “languishing without recognition by their host”.

The fate of the Indonesian workers has yet to be determined, but measures are being taken to help out these suffering Indonesian workers.

Larry Queen interviews Chinese Foreign Minister about Sudan conflict

In this exclusive interview, Larry Queen interviews the Chinese Foreign Minister about the future of the new Sudans, the potential of their economies, and China's role in the conflict.

Brazil Violence Escalates

  
Violence continues to escalate in Brazil. After many verbal accusations, the conflict has officially become physical. Although they have continuously protested the construction of a new hydroelectric dam in the Amazon Basin, the indigenous peoples have witnessed their requests be rendered futile. According to a Brazilian press release, the Indigenous people have finally retailiated against the construction teams that have infiltrated their homes. The result of the skirmish was ten fatalities, with an unknown number of injuries.
 
Luis Fernando, advisor to Brazilian president Dilma Rousseff, stands firm to the government's earlier claims and motivations for the construction of the dam. He justifies that the military forces in the area "were there exclusively for the protection of the construction workers," and that "the military acted only to defend the construction workers on the site."
 
According to Fernando, the "good of every Brazilian" (including the indigenous tribes), is the prime motivation behind the dam. He asserts that the dam will provide countless jobs that would be offered to the indigenous peoples first. The dam "will provide clean, sustainable energy for the entire country."

He referred to the deaths of the indigenous people as "regrettable."
     
Alana Lima, daughter of the tribal chief, still concludes that the incident is entirely the government's fault. Her initial response to the tragedy was "It's terrible. It shows the extent to which the government does not care about its people. It does not care about what is best for us: the people outside of the cities; the people who are not in power. The people who were killed did not deserve their fate - they were peacefully on their own land."
  
When asked about foreign aid, Lima said that not money has been sent in support, but Human Rights Watch is "rallying support... and we hope that they will aid us in our fight soon." The situation has become even more complex as there is now speculation that the unemployed Spanish youth are instigating the conflict. As White House Press Secretary Lance Jacobson said in today's press conference, this " new Spanish crusade" complicates the situation. United States intelligence does not yet know for certain the initiator of the physical skirmish.

Head of RNC Suggests Xenophobia, Communist Tendencies

Reince Priebus

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus has offered his support to Sarah Palin's goal to make a nuclear strike against North Korea. However, he also condemned the actions of Rupert Murdoch in his aim to literally destroy CNN.

Priebus is "still not convinced" that the North Korean statement that the bombing was accidental is true. This hunch is seemingly enough to base his desired attack on. The bombing would serve the purpose of "reasserting America's supremacy."

When asked if he was prepared for the possibility of a nuclear war, he stated that he is "ready to go back to the glory days of America." He is not aiming to incite war but is prepared for it.

When asked why he did not condemn Murdoch, he responded that "human life is valuable." This directly contradicts his desire to bomb the Koreans based on his guesses. These lives would be sacrificed "for the greater good." Priebus' inability to comprehend how negatively this would affect the North Koreans is puzzling to many.

When his contradiction was pointed out, he responded that he only intends to protect "American lives." When prodded if all men are indeed created equal, he responded with a shocking and damning quote: "All men are created equal, but some are created more equal than others."

Animal Farm. It's a famous novel. This line is a direct quote from a literal communist pig. This has called into question how well Priebus represents the RNC and how he was elected in the first place.

Choice Quotes from an Interview with Sarah Palin

Teddy Lupin: Hello Ms. Palin. The North Korean government has apologized for the attack of Australia. Why do you think the United States should retaliate

 Sarah Palin:  Well, see here now.  North Korea has gone and pulled what I like to call a polar bear shoot and run.  They've gone and pissed off momma bear and now are runnin for their lives.  But they won't get away

 Teddy Lupin:  Shouldn't that be the choice of the Australian government? Or do you think the United States is in danger

Sarah Palin:  North Korea is a bad firecracker, and no one knows which way they're gonna shoot.  Just as my cousin, one-eye Eddie about bad firecrackers

 In response to the effects of nuclear war, the course of action approved by Palin:

Teddy Lupin:  what about the environmental effects in South Korea? Also, should the North Korean people be punished for the actions of the North Korean government

Sarah Palin:  what environmental effects?

Teddy Lupin:  radiation

Sarah Palin:  sorry, I'm not a scientist.  What's the problem with that?
glow-in-the-dark was an AMERICAN invention, dontcha know it?

In response to doubts about her level of support:

Sarah Palin:  Well not everybody is quite as excitable as I am
but sure as my grandmomma's salmon stew nuclear attack is the best way to go

 Teddy Lupin:  If you run for election in 2012, will this be part of your campaign?

 Sarah Palin:  yes sir!  Salmon stew to all my supporters!

In response to the actions of Rupert Murdoch:

Sarah Palin:  well why didn't y'all just shoot the intruders?  Ol' Rupert is part of my wolf pack, I'm sure he was just playin around

 Teddy Lupin:  bomb threats are no joke. There was also racist and sexist undertones. Do you still have no problem with it?

Sarah Palin:  I think you're bein' a little too PC here sweetie.  If you had the chance to blow somethin up, I'm sure you would do it too
 

Ahmadinejad calls for OPEC to be abolished

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran

Earlier today, there was outrage from the Middle Eastern states after Israel and Europe made their decision regarding Dubai’s failed projects. Last hour, Ahmadinejad called for OPEC to be abolished, encouraging Middle Eastern countries to move towards independence from Western countries and their economies.

Farjoon Ahmari, economic advisor to Ahmadinejad, claimed that OPEC has become “a tool of Western apostates.” The advisor said that it is unfair for countries like Dubai to be “bossed around by larger members of OPEC,” saying that Dubai must be allowed to make “use of their natural advantages in order to compensate” during hard economic times.

When asked if Iran had any ties to the failed Dubai projects, Ahmari said no. He claimed that the recommendation for OPEC was a matter of principle, stating that Dubai had to submit “to outside pressure.”

The WTO and members from OPEC were unable to offer comment on Ahmadinejad’s demands. One will have to wait for OPEC’s reaction to the advice.

-Larry Queen

Election Push From Peres May Hurt Israel

Hamas' Soldiers

The Israeli press secretary denies any connection between Peres’ wife’s death and the announcement that fresh elections must be called in Palestine, though he admits that the president is dealing with a “immense loss.”

The press secretary went on to comment that the president “respects the Palestinians' rights to self-determination,” but added that he thinks that unless the Palestinians find “legitimate leadership” all future relations will be poisoned. Hamas’ background as a terrorist organization with no scruples makes it easy to see it as illegitimate. However, they were elected freely in the last Palestinian election.

Even the limited political freedoms of a few years ago do not seem to exist today. One Palestinian said that he “choose[s] to not take firm positions on the Palestinian government. I find it dangerous to become too politically involved.” A legitimate election seems like a practical impossibility.

Still, many Palestinians, regardless of their political sensibilities, are upset by Israel’s interference in their government. They see this disrespectful interference as “typical of the Israeli government. Israel should not be allowed to dictate our elections and they way we govern. They should interact with us as a separate state and government---one entitled to choose its own path.” Who said this?

The same Palestinian thinks that Israel's actions may turn out to be counterproductive for them: “While Hamas does not seem to have a great deal of support on the ground... This push from Peres has improved Hamas’ support”

Germany Handles the Dubai Situation Well

Germany is handling the economic situation in Dubai well. After high-level real estate investors “have taken heavy hits” due to the recessions in Dubai.

Germany is not the only one suffering. OPEC has also lost a great deal of money because of investments that fell through. Dubai claims the failure was the fault of Israel discouraging investing in Dubai.

According to department of Domestic Economic Affairs official Stephan Shroer, “there’s not really much we can do about the economic situation now. The damage is done.”

However, despite Germany’s economic strife, they are considering taking in an influx of immigrants from Indonesia. The Indonesians were working for construction companies in Dubai, which OPEC and members of the EU invested in.

Though no official word has been given that the immigrants will be allowed to reside in Germany, Germany is preparing for the influx of immigrants, and they have “some capacity and budget to deal with the refugees.

Although if Germany allows the displaced Indonesians to enter, they, “need indication that the burden will be shared, and the ultimate goal would be to get them back home to Indonesia.”

Germany also does not blame Israel for the problems. “Until proven otherwise, we choose to believe that the Israelis acted in good faith.”

Germany, despite hard times, is handling the situation diplomatically and with the best intentions of others involved.

Who is to blame?

Former Haitian dissenter, Bonaire Lepuissant, was beaten at his home by invaders.    Bonaire Lepuissant has claimed that he will recover soon from the incident.  However, he suspects the home invaders were from the "Baby Doc." The former dictator, Duvalier, vocally opposed to the incident.

New Details Emerge Regarding Australia's Current State

Northern Australia was bombed by North Korea late last night

Claire Herly of the Australian War Ministry states that the death toll is now approximately 55 (earlier reports of 55,000 were caused by technical difficulties on her end). It would have been greater if not for the north's population being sparse.

The UN Security Council is meeting to form a response coalition. Most major Western superpowers have indicated major support, but it is unclear which specifically.

To aid those who survived the attack, all of the major aid NGOs are now on the ground, including the Red Cross and Doctors Without Borders.

It has been determined that the weapon was not a nuclear bomb.

There have been no official instances of additional foreign aid, but Hely believes that USAID workers are on the ground as part of their discretionary budget.

Hely does not believe that Australia was the intended target of the missile.

The Death of Kim Jong-il, and What May be to Come

Kim Jong-il, Supreme Leader of North Korea

After years of ill health and speculation, a black hearse pulled up to the North Korean palace to drive Kim Jong-il away for the last time. For as long as Kim Jong-il has been in power he has had two stories to his life.

In one story, a work of fiction, Kim Jong-il was the “supreme leader”, beloved by his people and in return providing them with everything they could ever need. He was deified and was said to have the power to control the weather based on his mood. His birthday was the most important holiday in North Korea and mass celebrations occurred all across the nation.

But this fiction has always been completely transparent. Under Kim Jong-il’s rule, Korean’s have starved to death by the millions and the country has stayed mired in extreme poverty while their southern brethren jumped into the first world.

Kim Jong-il was born in 1941. After graduating college he went directly in politics, rising quickly through the ranks of the ruling Korean Workers’ Party.  Eventually becoming the supreme leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-il became the de facto leader of North Korea, granting control of the fourth largest standing army in the world. 

Over time, North Koreans developed a large personality cult around Kim Jong-il, with his likeness posted in many North Korean homes.  While Kim Jong-il enjoyed his celebrity status, much of North Korea suffered from the martial law enacted during their dictator’s reign. As his wet nurse, Sun-joo Park said, “Kim Jong-il was always very aggressive, mean to everyone… I was not surprised he let the people of North Korea starve.”

His death left North Korea in a state of advanced instability, leading to the attack on Northern Australia by North Korean forces, killing as many as 55,000 according the Australian war ministry.  Kim Jong-un, the oldest son of the deceased dictator, is assumed to take control of North Korea, but political complications may leave the Korean Peninsula under extremely adverse conditions.  According to North Korean’s foreign affairs minister, the launch codes were stolen by a dissatisfied general who feared being ousted by Kim Jong-un. 

Hopefully, Kim Jong-un will take control of his country so future disasters are avoided.

- Ron Bergundy and Wolf Plitzer

Dubai Real Estate Battle Continues

The Dubai real estate crisis continues to worsen. Many nations, especially powerful European countries, have pulled out of the area. While the German press and Rodge Gupta were not available for comment, it is clear that Europe was merely protecting its own assets in its actions. While much attention is being given to the Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries, the source of the problem is the real estate issue as it continues to extend its impacts globally.

CNN Forgives

CNN has discovered that there has been a dissenter among us. Rupert Murdoch, fabricator of the terrorist stunt at CNN earlier today, found a weak journalist among us, damaging CNN's reputation. We forgive this writer, who is anonymous, for his moment of weakness. 


In addition, we do not blame FOX for the attack. We understand that they believed the threats directed at them were real, and do not blame them for the mistakes of their parent company.

CNN Official Response to Alqaeda's Demands

As a majority, we agreed not to comply with terrorist demands.  An unknown dissenter among the six of us still in lock down posted a blog post claiming we plan to comply with terrorist demands.  This is not the case, and we have no intention of complying with the terrorist demands as they were forth. 

In response to Huffington Post, we have reinforced our security and only the six remaining CNN wire staff members remain in lock down have the capability to update the blog, eliminating the possibility for any outside sources of posting in our blog.

-CNN Wire Staff

CNN Is...

CNN is... Integrity. Integrity is doing what you know is right and resigning yourself to the consequences. CNN will not take the easy road, the simple road, the safe road. Instead we will take the high road.

Al Queda uses the tools of war, terror, and violence. CNN will use the equally strong weapons of reason and acceptance to stay strong and defend ourselves against the terrorists.

CNN was founded to bring truth to news. So to lie or compromise ourselves or our morals would be an anathema. Our acceptance of Jews and women as equal to Christian men is integral to us. To divide them out would be to break our organization apart.

CNN says: Not going to Happen, Terrorists

CNN is a little too strong to give in to the whims of extremists. After a station vote, CNN has decided to not comply with the demands of our captives, which included firing Jewish writers and forcing female writers to wear Hijabs.


Journalism does not recognize gender or religion, and CNN has decided to report the news, despite the consequences.


We are sorry our captives have made the decisions they have, but to them we say: Shalom; We're sticking to our guns.

APPEAL FOR HELP

SOMEONE PLEASE SOMEONE HELP US! We're locked down in the CNN Atlanta office. We recieved a bomb threat out of nowhere and now our head of security is DEAD. They're in the building. We're so close to being found.


What do they even want? Help us someone. Swat, police, santa, I don't even care just... please...

Bomb Scare at CNN and Fox News Headquarters

Recently, both CNN and Fox News have been informed of bomb threats at their respective headquarters. Both are in lockdown; the two networks have lost communication with each other.

CNN's head of security was just confirmed killed. CNN is waiting for help and soon will receive the demands of the terrorists. Many reporters have already been taken hostage.

FOX and CNN in State of Panic

Fox and CNN agree on one thing: We are in trouble


Not only has a mysterious package been placed in the building, but our head of security has been killed. In addition, we have reason to believe hostages have been taken and demands will be made.


CNN is currently in a lockdown and most connections to the outside world have been severed.


No one in, no one out. Bombs, murders, kidnappings. The press needs help.

Op - Ed: The New Nuclear North Korean War

When the Korean War broke out, the United States sent troops halfway across the globe to protect the freedom of the South Koreans. In this they were successful but when we tried to the cross the border into North Korea, China entered the war; because of this, we were fought back to our original position, leaving the peninsula divided.

Again, we are faced with a violent and resurgent North Korea, but this time, the situation is different. China has changed its long held stance of "unconditional support" for North Korea and condemns its act of violence. With this changed dynamic, a military response by the West is once possible. The United States still maintains bases in South Korea and a navy nearby on retaliation on Australia's behalf would be immediate and at will.

Still, renewed war remains a slim possibility. The single largest predicting factor is North Korea's nuclear arsenal. The main goal of the United States and the rest of the world should be to keep their heads screwed on and the bombs grounded.

Further International Response to Bombings

Japan, a concerned nation

Japanese ambassador to Australia, Tochi Kumakawa, says Japan stands against the actions of the North Korean regime, and offers support to Australians. They do not want to "isolate the Koreans more than necessary."

Press Secretary for the United Kingdom, O'Connell, states that his country "is deeply moved by this unnecessary loss of life, especially because we are so intertwined with the Australians."

Threats to Media

CNN has just received a bomb threat to FOX news station from North Korea. We have reason to believe the threat is due to reporting of the North Korean bombing of the North Australian coast.


We have not yet received word from FOX, but a source of CNN has given we at CNN reason to believe that CNN is also in danger.

Australia Hopes for North Korean Sanctions

Australia hope that sanctions will be placed on North Korea, as a result of the potential meeting of the Security Council.


Since the Australian government is unsure about the nature of the attacks, as well as the type of weapons used, it will not yet plan to retaliate, says Assistant to the Defense Minister, Harvey Hemley.


The Nation's main concern is gathering international support, for whatever the actions Australia will take.

Ballistic Strike in Northern Australia

Previous attacks on Yeonpyeong bear striking similarities to the current strike on Australia

25 ballistic missiles were launched at long range to the Northern coast of Australia by North Korea.  Not only is this the first act of war committed by North Korea outside the Korean peninsula, but it is also an act of aggression against a Western Nation and former colony.  There is no indication of the attack was nuclear, but information is limited at this time and speculation runs rampant. 

Australia is taking all precautions possible, including the assumption that North Korea may have used nuclear force and the preparation for potential future attacks.  Harvey Henley, assistant to the Australian defense minister, claims the attack was made for political ideals, yet North Korea’s official statement is still awaited.  He says, “We see no reason why missiles targeted Northern Australia.”

The US ambassador to Australia, Richard Masterson, says, “The U.S. plans to send as many aid workers as possible to Australia, and we post for an emergency meeting of the Security Council to discuss the political instability in North Korea.”  The U.S. plans to announce their official course of action shortly.

This attack was at the longest range available to North Korean artillery.  It comes on the heels of attacks on South Korea, which also has strong allies with the western world.  This attack bears many similarities to the recent bombardment of Yeonpyeong Island in South Korean territory.  This prior attack led to the deaths of many innocent South Koreans, yet there was no response made by South Korean government.

When contacted, the Chinese Minister of Foreign affairs, Liu Xiaobao, responded “China is reconsidering their unconditional support of North Korea.”  According to Xiaobao, China had no indication of an attack planned.  When asked about whether China would support North Korea in the event of western military force, Xiaobao responds, “No we cannot.  We deplore the attack and had no part in it.”

Whether this remains merely a flexing of power from the politically turbulent North Korea, or signs of an impending military campaign orchestrated by North Korea remains to be seen.  However, an Australian retaliation is a distinct possibility. 

Executing a ballistic strike without official declaration of war violates U.N. rulings, and how the international community will deal with this offense remains to be seen.  No matter what the response, this tragedy strikes at the heart of all people everywhere.

BREAKING: NORTH KOREA BOMBS NORTHERN AUSTRALIA

North Korea has launched several missles onto northern Australia.

Hundreds are dead or wounded.

No governments have offered an official statement as of yet.

Exclusive Interview with Sun-joo Park, Kim Jong-il's Wet Nurse

 The following is an interview between CNN Asian correspondent and Sun-joo Park, the wet nurse to Kim Jong-il.  This interview was performed online via gmail chat services.  

Sun-joo Park:  Hello!

Wolf Plitzer:    Hello, CNN reporter Wolf Plitzer

Sun-joo Park, wet nurse of Kim Jong-il for 19 years

Sun-joo Park, wet nurse of Kim Jong-il for 19 years

Sun-joo Park:  Sun-joo Park here

Wolf Plitzer:    Nice to meet you Sun-joo Park, I'd like to ask you a few questions about Kim Jong-il

Sun-joo Park:  Please do, but I may not respond quick, because english not good good.

Wolf Plitzer:    Firstly, I'd like to offer my condolences on the death of Kim Jong-il, I've been made aware    you were very close to him

Sun-joo Park:  hah!  I was...when he was small.

Wolf Plitzer:    Yes, I understand you were his wet nurse, correct?

Sun-joo Park:  yes, correct, until he was 19

Wolf Plitzer:    What were your impressions of him as a child?  Did he have any interesting personality quirks, any passions?

Sun-joo Park:  He was very aggressive, definitely made a mark on me, many marks

Wolf Plitzer:    Really?  Please elaborate.

Sun-joo Park:  [Kim Jong-il] never had friends his own age, the other boys in court, he cling to me, for hours, until his mother realize that I get in way of professional development, then she banish me, to South Korea.  I loved Kim, [he was] mean to everyone but me.

Kim Jong-il at the height of his political career

Wolf Plitzer:    Hmm, so his mother was very concerned on his political career.  You say you loved Kim Jong-il, do you feel this love was reciprocated?  Do you think he felt the same way about you?

Sun-joo Park:  He couldn't give me what I could give him, so when he came of age, this 19, he took the side of his mother, and this gave me pain.

Wolf Plitzer:    Hmm, I see.  This must have been very difficult for you.  How do you feel about how he ran DPRK?

Sun-joo Park:  Once I left, Kim became starved, so it never surprised me that he could starve the North Koreans.  It was like a mirror to his thirsty soul.

Wolf Plitzer:    You say he was starved, but how?  Emotionally, artistically..?

Sun-joo Park:  Emotionally, and with great vitamin d deficit.

Wolf Plitzer:    Ah.  So the lack of a motherly figure in his life led to a lack of compassion for others.  Did you ever try to contact him later in life?

Sun-joo Park:  Sorry about delay

Wolf Plitzer:    No problem.   It must be very difficult to establish a good connection half way around the world.

Sun-joo Park:  very difficult to establish between Koreas, as you seen!  So yes, big wide world too I tried to contact him once, yes

Wolf Plitzer:    Please tell

Sun-joo Park:  when his mother die, I make crossover attempt

I wrap myself in quilt, carrying nothing but a change of underwear and Kim's favorite pacifier I take from him once.  Don't tell him that!

Oh, right...

...too late

Wolf Plitzer:    ... I'm sorry; this whole affair must be very hard on you.  Do you wish to continue?

Sun-joo Park:  No, I do not, the pain pummels me, like Kim's mother used to, when dark and nobody watching

Wolf Plitzer:    You've clearly experienced many hardships.

Sun-joo Park:  none as hard as the death of Kim or as I called him, Kimchee

Wolf Plitzer:    It's clear you cared about him very much.  If you were to sum up Kim Jong-il's life, what would you say about him?

Sun-joo Park:  If he nibbled away at Korean people's lives, he was only nibbling away at me.

Thank you

Wolf Plitzer:    Thank you for your time.  Do I have your permission to use this interview in an article?

The Beatles, Rock Band from 1960's and favorite of Sun-joo Park

Sun-joo Park:  Yes, I want my story told, for the world to feed on.  I always wanted to see Kimchee again, since 1960.  In fact, if not for the Beatles, I would’ve ended it all then. 

Wolf Plitzer:    Once again, this has been Wolf Plitzer with CNN news, signing off.

Natives are Willing to Fight for their Land

Amazon River Basin

The hydroelectric dam is for the good of Brazil, claims President of Brazil, Dilma Rousseff. The dam, which is in an undeveloped region of Brazil, is being built out of a need for infrastructure, especially before the World Cup and Olympics, which Brazil will be hosting in the near future.

Ze Da Moreira has told CNN that the military will be sent to the site to remove the natives sitting on the land, who claim the land is theirs. The government intends to use the military to instill fear, not for violent purposes. 

Moreira claims that the land in question is owned by the government, and has not ever belonged to the natives of Brazil.

In fact, Moreira thinks that the dam will be for the good of the entire nation, natives included.  He has assured CNN that the natives will be the first to get the jobs that result from the construction of the dam.

Alana Lima, daughter of the chief of the Botocudo tribe, acknowledges that the natives lack legal right to the land. “It's the land that my family has owned for hundreds of years perhaps we have no "deed" to the land, but this has been our livelihood...our lives. This is where I grew up.” 

Lima is also aware that the military is arriving, with the intention of talking to the tribe. However, she will die for the land in the event the situation gets violent. 

Lima believes that the government will suffer for its actions if they remove the tribe by force. “Human rights groups around the world are ready to defend our right to be here.” She does regret, however, that the tribe is the only group willing to die for its rights, and that human rights groups will have to carry on the tribe’s legacy passively.

In contrast with Moreira’s belief that the dam will help the natives, Lima questions the government’s intentions. “The government cares only about people in the cities.  We're not confident that this will improve the country as a whole, and believe it will improve the lives of the wealthy, and those in cities... but not people like me.”

We await word on the result of the military confrontation.

Dubai Real Estate Crisis Damages OPEC

OPEC

The Dubai real estate crisis has hit OPEC hard. After a plethora of multinationals pulled out of Dubai, the other members of OPEC have united against Europe. In addition, they have placed the blame of the events on Israel. 

Germany has been especially negatively affected.

The crisis has also affected immigrant workers and has led to unemployment. 

Further details are coming soon.

President Peres: Grief-Stricken or With Ambition?

After the death of Israeli President Shimon Peres’ wife, the suitability of Peres’ role as President of the state of Israel has been called into question as a result of his remarks in his distraught state.

President Shimon Peres

Yoav Shakir from the Israeli Office of Internal Affairs says, “[Peres,] in grief-stricken stupor over the death of his wife, has demanded an immediate vote from the Palestinian electorate in which Hamas must lose. Many of the more peace-loving members of the Israeli administration have questioned Peres’ ability to lead.”

On the other hand, Abigail Cohen, a member of the Israeli Parliament assures that his comments were not rash, and that they were stated after logical thought processes and careful deliberations with other Parliament members. “To help establish a safe country, we must move the Arabs from the region because they are the ones causing conflict,” says Cohen. “We must punish the Hamas by building more settlements in the Gaza strip.”

With conflicting opinions within the Israeli Parliament, potential internal dissension lies ahead. 

Details Emerge and Confusion Remains Surrounding US-Mexico Border Incident

The US-Mexico Border

Yesterday two border guards, Ms Alex Milvae (29) and Mr Adam George (34), were slain in a confused and violent incident on the US-Mexico border. Two Mexicans, Joshua Hernandez and Garcia Sanchez, were charged with drug possession and manslaughter in relation to the event but their lawyer, Clare Donovan, maintains their innocence. Ms Donovan and an eyewitness report suggest that the drugs may have been planted and Ms Donovan claims that “any violence between the two sides was started by the officers.  If there was any violence in response, it was purely out of self defense.” 

The border guards'  commander,  Deborah Hernandez-Jimenez, says that Ms Milvae had a “spotless record” and though Mr. George had inflicted three injuries on others, no legal charges had ever been brought against him.

A fellow officer Andrew Ramirez described Ms Milvae as a sweet, almost saintly women. Milvae graduated from a New York college with a 3.9 and was described as assertive and capable. But her most impressive feature was her love of country and her willingness to work to protect it. She was known to have “no issues with Latinos” and was all about “doing things by the book”. Milvae’s brutally short life is obviously remembered fondly by those who knew her.

Ramirez also commented on Mr George. Ramirez thought “he had a good heart” though he didn’t know him well. Ramirez added that George was kind to Ms Milvae but was also known to make inappropriate and nasty jokes about Mexicans. Still, Ramirez said that he’d “hate to have him painted as a racist”.

As more and more details emerge on this violent and complex story, the events of that day do not become clearer. The possibility of frame up and abuse by the guards remains a possibility. But what is certain is that two hardworking guards are gone and they will be sorely missed.

Sudanese President Al-Bashir Comments on Conflict

President Al-Bashir

The President of Sudan has spoken directly with CNN in regards to the planned summit with the United States and the terms of South Sudan's secession from the whole.

He stated that the summit should ideally take place in a neutral site, specifically citing Geneva as an ideal location.

When asked what he would do if the United States did not agree to support his economy following a southern secession, he expressed disbelief that this would even be a possibility. He said that all he would require would be a "fraction" of the oil revenue, as his nation is dependent on the deposits located in the south. Failing to do so would absolutely devastate his country, he added. It is unknown how large this "fraction" or "portion" would truly need to be.